The Great Church Robbery

Soundtrack: This presentation, whether done as a dramatic solo reading, in "Live Radio Style," as in a reading with different voices in the different parts, or even being acted out by others while being read, all benefits greatly from the specially-recorded music on the Soundtrack CD #3. To order it, go to the Soundtracks Page, and look for the Triple Feature Soundtrack CD #3. Or click here to add it to your cart. This CD also contains the complete recording of this script, as done for radio by Prime Example. This is for your reference and inspiration for your performance, or as a track for a puppet show or mime. THIS SCRIPT VERSION USES THE SAME TRACKS AS THE ORIGINAL.

All orders are mailed the next morning after getting them, if not the same day!

Getting started late? No problem! Like with all the soundtrack CDs, you can get an MP3 download for free when ordering the physical CD.

LIVE OUTSIDE THE U.S.? I am now offering a "Download Only" option. Go to this page for details.

Got a question about using a soundtrack? Go here and found out why you should!

NEW! Click here to listen to a new feature: a 5 and-a-half minute Windows Media preview of the entire soundtrack CD, with short clips from each track!

Dr. Seuss, as you know, once told a child's fable
about the Grinch, who was quite unable
to steal the cheer the holidays brought
and about the lesson that he was taught.

But if you'll lend me an ear (or two)
I'll tell you similar story, that's new.
It's about a man who commits a crime
but discovers the Truth that's older than time.

It happened one Easter, as the lilies bloomed
to greet the day that Death was doomed.
It's a prime example of intellectual snobbery
in what came to be known as "The Great Church Robbery."

(Intro music of Cut #2 ends and church bell sound effect begins, all under your voice.)

The church was known for its love and affection
and they invited folks in from every direction.
But to one neighbor, named Mr. Dewitt,
their invitations didn't matter one bit.

DeWitt hated them, and for their Christian religion
he held no love, not even a smidgen.
He considered their Pastor to be a big fake

and their clanging church bells made his head ache.
Though he felt that way, not because of his head,
but the fact that his soul was spiritually dead.

So, with a heart full of meanness and doubt
he watched Easter morning as their service let out...
staring out of his window with a cold, ugly sneer
at their warm handshakes and smiles full of cheer.

"They'll all be returning," he said with a bark,
"for tonight's service, as soon as it's dark!
And then with their worship, they'll raise a commotion...
but what it's about, I haven't a notion!

They'll set that big church bell to ringing,
then they'll all begin praying and singing!
They'll pound the piano and organ too,
but why they must do it, I haven't a clue!

Why, for too many years I've put up with this stuff.
It's driving me crazy... I've had quite enough!"
As he got angry thinking of how they would do it,
he suddenly snapped:"I must put a stop to it!"
"Without all their church stuff," he went on with a growl,
"their bright, happy mood would quickly turn foul!"

Then a wicked idea hit his wicked old brain...
"I'll pretend I'm a blind man with dark glasses and cane!
I'll steal all their things,and if anyone spies me,
in my clever get-up, they won't recognise me!"

Yes, he felt quite proud and thought himself wise.
So armed with a plan and a tricky disguise,
he cranked up his pickup with a gear-grinding lurch
and pulled it up to the back door of the church.

(Actions during the next part of narrative: Mr. DeWitt takes out a screwdriver and pries open the door.)

Determined that his entry nothing would block,
he used a screwdriver to jimmy the lock.
"This is too easy!" the fake blind man hissed,
as he tiptoed inside, cane clenched in his fist.
Then he lowered his glasses and peered all around
to make sure that no-one was there to be found.

"These speakers," he said, "are the first things I'll steal!"
as he loaded them onto his truck, the old heel.
Then he ripped up and threw out the pads on the pews...
yes, he took every comfort, and the instruments, too!

Then he carried the song books, all he could heft.
And even the Bible was not above theft!
When he had taken all he could rob,
he was turning to go when he heard a small sob.
Grabbing his cane, he spun round with a whirl,
and there stood by the altar a tiny young girl.

"Who's there?" he asked, while tapping the cane.
"You see, I'm quite blind, and I don't know your name."

"My Daddy's the pastor, and I'm Mary Sue,"
Then with trembling voice she asked, "Who are you?"

"Just a friend," he said, "no need to fear,"
as he motioned the little girl to draw near.
DeWitt faked a smile and kneeled down beside her
and when she smiled back the room--somehow--seemed brighter.
"You see," he lied, "God sent me indeed.
For even a blind man can see you're in need.
So I'm taking the old out and buying all new,
and as soon as I'm finished I'll send it to you."

So he pulled the wool over her eyes,
with his sightless act and clever lies.
And he condescendingly patted her head
But he was taken aback at the next thing she said.

"Oh, kind sir, I wonder if I might
pray that the Lord would give you your sight."
And before he could answer or move out of the way,
she lay her small hands on his brow to pray.
"Dear Jesus, I thank You for being so kind
and I ask You to touch this man who is blind.
Bring the light to his eyes and help him to see.
So give him this gift, Lord, and do it for me."

And when she had finished, his throat was all dry
and behind his dark glasses a tear dimmed his eye.
And conviction had fallen on him like a great weight,
but he croaked, "Thank you dearie, but now I will be late.
So go on back home now and don't say a word
or tell anybody what you have heard."

And as he watched the pastor's child depart,
he felt a strange tug down deep in his heart.
But he shook it off with a snort and a shrug
and as he was leaving he threw out the rug!

It was half past six, soon the church would be full.
So he cranked up the pickup and away he did pull.
Up the winding dirt road to the top of the hill,
he drove with their stuff, which then he would spill.

When he came to the top it was getting quite dark
as he drove toward the cliff and put it in park.
He jumped out of the truck and strode to the ledge
and stood looking expectantly over the edge.

"They know by now," he said with grin,
"that their services there have all been done in!"
"They're wailing and moaning and they'll all shed a tear.
That's something" said DeWitt, "that I wish I could hear!"

(Begin Track #5, the conclusion, on the CD here, and let play through rest of reading.)

But he could hear a sound, quiet and low,
rising up from the church in the valley below.
But, this sound wasn't tearful...
why, it sounded quite cheerful!
Everyone there, to the smallest fella,
was singing their favorite songs, acappella!
He hadn't stolen their joy...it remained!
In spite of their losses, they worshiped the same.

"Maybe their joy doesn't come from what's done."
Perhaps," he smiled, "It comes from Someone!"

But suddenly his heart was clutched with cold fear
as he noticed the pickup had slipped out of gear!
It rolled toward the cliff edge, that rusty old clunker,
as he leaped in it's path and shoved hard on the bumper!
But it didn't slow down, though his feet plowed the sod,
and for the first time in his life, DeWitt prayed out to God.

(Dramatic music segues into salvation scene music and continues to end simultaneously with the reading.)

"Lord, I know I was wrong all these church things to take,
so save them, and me also, for Jesus' sake!"

(Coincides with the salvation scene music coming in strong here; listen to Cut #1 to see timing.)

And then the Light of Heaven shone in,
as Mr. DeWitt was born again!
And he felt a strange power he'd not felt before,
as he found the strength of Samson, and more!
He stopped that old truck and turned it around,
then he hopped up inside and drove down to the town.

He pulled up at the church and brought back what he'd took:
each musical instrument and every song book!
Then he went to the altar and beside it he knelt,
as he praised the Lord Jesus for the peace he now felt.
And he hugged Mary Sue as she climbed on his knee,
for her prayer had been answered and now he could see.

(Inform me of your intention to use this script, or tell me what you thought of it, by going to the Contact Fred page of this site.)

Rights Of Use
(NOTE: The following terms must be printed out and included with any and all copies of the sketch distributed to performers, director, etc.)

Legal fine print: This and any other skit material on this site is copyrighted by Sheep Laughs Records. Use of their material is limited by the following terms: